Confirmation of my worst fear

I do, in fact have a tumor. Wow, I just said that. My doctor called me at 6:30 Wednesday night to tell me the results. As luck would have it I was home alone with my 3 munchkins and we were just sitting down to eat (My husband was at a meeting) and my 1 1/2 year old was flat-out throwing a FIT....so I wasn't able to ask a bunch of questions OR have a crying, throw myself on the ground break down....I'm thankful for that! It's amazing how God knows what you need and when you need it, and at that moment when I found out, having my sweet babies with me (who know nothing) was a good thing. From what I can remember (I think my brain glazed over when she confirmed I had a tumor) she said it's a 3mm tumor on my pituitary gland but that it is benign (benign = not cancerous!). She did say that although it’s non-cancerous, that the concern is that it can continue to grow and depending on the size and where it’s located it can cause major problems. She said I need to get in to a specialist and said that the specialist should contact me within the next week to schedule an appt. In research that I’ve done tumors range in size from 1mm to 10 mm, but that when they reach 3mm that’s the threshold where they usually consider operating. You know, since my parents passed away my biggest fear has been that I would be diagnosed with a brain tumor. I watched them get diagnosed and saw the progression until they passed away. I’ve always been terrified of this. Now that I’m ‘here’ it’s a very surreal feeling. I’m very thankful for my relationship with God, because without it I KNOW I would be having a meltdown. Since I have such a good relationship with Him I KNOW that this has happened for a reason. I don’t know what that reason is and may never know, but you’d better believe I’m going to praise Him in good times and bad. What I’m feeling right now (the bright spot) is that I DO know something is going on and have time to truly make the rest of my life count, whether that is 100 days or 100 years. I feel that God allowed me to have symptoms so that I COULD be diagnosed. I also feel like my goal in life has always been to ‘live life to the fullest’ but that I’m so busy doing day to day things that I don’t actually do that. My life is so busy it’s a blur. I get up in the morning and am always late. I sleep in an extra 5 (15!) minutes so then the rest of the morning is spent running through the house, getting kids up, dressed, teeth brushed, fed breakfast, only to jump in the car and rush to town, drop off kids at daycare, rush to work and barely squeak in to my office by 8 am. I’m busy at work and before I know it it’s 5pm and time to figure out what’s for dinner, run to the grocery store (because I’m always missing ONE ingredient!), pick kiddos up from daycare, get home, make dinner, work on homework with the kids, do dishes, maybe a load of laundry and then go to bed, ready to do it all over again the next day. That might be my life but the past year or two I’ve been rushing too much to ENJOY IT. I need to force myself to slow down and make time to paint my daughter’s toenails, or finger paint with my sons and I can honestly say, it’s been easier to put those things off for ‘another day’. Not anymore. None of us know how much time we’ll be on this earth and although I’ve always known and said that I haven’t LIVED IT. Starting today (last night, actually!) I’m going to actually LIVE it. I'm now waiting for a call from the specialist to see when it will be that I go in and find out exactly what it IS in my brain and what our course of action will be. Please don't feel sorry for me or look at me funny. Please say a little prayer for me and please enjoy every second of this life you've been blessed with. Since a blog post is worthless without a pic, here's my beautiful munchkins :)